Apple demanded I show them my ID because:
The billing information you used on the Apple Online Store to purchase an Apple Developer Program membership does not match the billing information you provided during enrollment.
AFAICT it should be identical. But their mess of systems backing stuff has a chopsuey of my name as my actual name (Apple ID management), my first name and my wife's last name (Apple Developer Program), and apparently, straight up my wife's name (when they emailed me to confirm document upload). The shift in naming between "Jeremy we need…" to "thanks Katelyn for uploading…" was hilarious and worrisome at the same time.
All because I once used my wife's debit card for some iTunes Store purchases in 2007? 2008? Yeesh.